The Problem with Expectations
Do you set your expectations high? Or do you set them low? What would happen if you didn’t set them at all?
I’ve always been a dreamer. I like to plan big things, imagine how they will turn out, and go for them. More often than not, I succeed. (Why? Because when you strive with confidence, you can make any dream come true.)
But after the success, comes the heartache.
The problem is expectations.
An expectation is a forward looking thought. It takes you out of the moment. It provides a false sense of emotion.
Let me explain:
Imagine you have a dream, and you can imagine all the joy that achieving this dream will bring you. You start pushing for this dream, turning it from a dream into a goal. As you pursue this goal, you work hard, you pour all your energy into it, giving up free time and family time. It feels worth it though, because of the future joy this dream/goal will bring.
One day, it will become a reality. You succeed, only there is no joy.
When reality fails to live up to expectation
It turns out, in your years of working so hard you gained lots of experience expecting joy but no experience at feeling joy.
You also accidentally made yourself incredibly miserable by missing out on all the little moments, while covering it up with a promise of joy in the future.
Misery has infused the very thing that promised you joy. And you have likely missed the signs along the way that point you to a real joy, to something truly fulfilling.
You’ve probably made the people around you miserable too. At the very least, you’ve disconnected from them, alienated yourself by never being available. And now, when you want to share in joy, or just need someone to lean on, that connection isn’t available. It hasn’t been nurtured, and it’s just not there.
Negative expectations are still expectations
The same can be true if we have a negative or low expectation for something in the future. We can find ourselves anticipating misery, spending our time looking ahead instead of finding the joy in the moment.
The solution: Live in Joy. Not for Joy.
It’s fun to think ahead, and I still believe it’s important to set goals, but this is not where our focus should be.
When we focus on the future, we forget about the present. More importantly, we stop taking responsibility for the present. By saying, I’ll be happy in the future when such-and–such external thing comes to pass, we are giving ourselves permission to ignore the hard work of finding joy in ourselves in the moment.
Joy doesn’t come externally.
Joy doesn’t come in the future.
Joy comes from within us in the here and now.
